Monday, 16 January 2017

Living with STUTTER (gagap)


As you guys read the tittle , today I gonna share my experience , emotion about how is living with stutter or in malay known as GAGAP . I never thought that I will write about this because most of the time I insecure about my stutter and don't want to talk about it , but recently I found this guy who had a same problem with me named Drew Lynch . So he is one of the finalist in American Got Talent (AGT) season 10 and make it to 2nd place. He is a comedian who has severe stutter . Mine is not bad as him but I still can relate with his problem.

I've lived with stutter since I was born and the only time I realized that I have stutter when I was 5 kinda *lol I forgot* So , living with stuttering is HARD . Before I going too far , I want to mention that my stuttering level isn't that bad but it still keep me low confidence and anxiety . I have a stutter that makes me hard to pronounce certain word . Either in Bahasa Malaysia or English . Yup , this problem really disturb me when I was in school since I had to make a presentation or read a passage out from textbook and things always didn't went well . But , my one and only solution for this problem is finding a word that has a same meaning but more easy to me pronounce it. I'm not even kidding guys , whenever I did presentation , I always have a book or paper with me and when its the time to say the "word" I will cover up my face because the struggling to pronounce the word will lead me to make a weird face expression until I can pronounce the word .

not exactly like this but kinda...*heh*

Second things I wanna share with you guys is my stutter will get worst when I talk loud or fast . Because of that I tend to talk in a slow volume and talk slowly but not everyone understand what I lived with so this shit always happened...

"weh , cakap ah kuat sikit , tak macam lelaki"

For the first time I kinda got pissed with these people that don't understand what actually going about myself but then I get used to it and just silent whenever someone said that . When I said talk slowly , I mean I will talk by pronounce the word sebutir-sebutir or if the stutter gonna happen I will put "aaa" or "ummm" between the word that I might stutter . Example..

"Kak ummm 5 ringgit no 6 eh "

That situation always happen when I go to gas station . Another way I covered my stutter is with saying that I forgot the things. I always do this because its worked every time I going to stutter and it looked more natural , hahaha . Let me give the example..

the word that I might stutter is : Kedai Muthu

eg : Alaa beli je dekat kedai *noticed I gonna stutter* ummm kedai yang sebelah farmasi tu , yang owner dia india tu...

Hahahaha , you got it? . maybe its seems a little hard to you guys get what I mean , but if you guys with me and having a conversation , you will see I do it a lot of times because of my stutter.

The next things that I hate is having a small talk . I appreciate that you want to have a small conversation with me but I just more prefer sit and silent until I reached to my destination if I was in a bus or taxi.Even when I went to like shopping mall or any places , then someone come up to me and want to ask something or just being nice to me , sorry I didn't mean to be rude or arrogant . It just I'm dealing with my problem . Because of that it lead to my social anxiety . I really get nervous when someone try to talk with me because I scared my stutter will attack me at that time . I wish I don't have stutter so I can chit chatting with everyone without any hesitate . When I pickup a call , the same thing would happen . My anxiety + stuttering will hold me up and made me hesitate to pickup the call .

camni ha dia punya nervous 

Now lets talk about my emotion facing this god gift to me . Like I mention before , I got insecure about my stuttering . I just scared if people judge about how I talk . To make the situation even worst , some people always mock me when I stutter . Its just HURT that no one understand . People tend to mocking me while I trying to act cool even though my heart already shattered into pieces. But , since I knew Drew Lynch *actually I got knew him today* he changed my perspective about my little problem because he do a stand up comedy even though he have a stutter . You guys should check his videos at his channel , click here .

Most of the part that I quite disappointed were about our society that doesn't have awareness about stutter . The only things that they do is mocking us or just laughing at us . I never meet anyone that has a same problem with me but I loved to . Sometimes I imagined how would I response if I in the live tv interview or talking to my crush , did I will stutter or I will stay quiet awkwardly? haha no one know. I really hope for those who read this entry and have a friend that stutter , please and please respect him/her . Don't mock them or talk about stutter with them publicly and lastly if you guys want to introduce your stutter friends , just talk like this..

"Weh ni kawan aku , dia stutter so yeah be nice to him/her"

Tak payah guna gagap , macam tak cool . hehehehe. See you guys in the next entry . InshaALLAH.

Assalamualaikum n bye peeps!

*sorry if my English is bad , I still practicing it* 


  1. I feel you.. believe it or not, i stutter as well. Stutter sebab anxious bila nk socialize dgn orang. Even tengah cakap BM pikirkan dh smooth, keluar2 je perkataan tak clear lol, walaupun cakap dengan family sendiri. Last sekali speaking bunyi slow je, kena ulang dua tiga kali sebab orang tak dengar xD damn anxiety.

    1. ikr! saya pun bila nervous makin menjadi-jadi stutter nya .

  2. Idk how it feels like but seriously it is not nice by mocking or make fun of other people's weaknesses. One of my juniors has this gift too. I can see that he's struggling to pronounce certain words and as what youve said, it will get even worst when he is doing public speaking. Nvm, don't mind them, just live your life to the fullest. Great entry, followed you btw :)

    1. thank you for understand the pain that we faced everyday , and if you meet your junior please give him support because stutter involve mentally preasure that will affect the whole someone's life . btw thanks for visit my blog and comment on my entry and I followed you back

  3. Jiá Yoú ...

    Dont give up, stutter is just a gift.

    Others may have suffer more than stutter person^^
    Dont mind other people.

  4. Thanks for the motivation ^_^

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