Living with STUTTER (gagap)

Assalamualaikum

As you guys read the tittle , today I gonna share my experience , emotion about how is living with stutter or in malay known as GAGAP . I never thought that I will write about this because most of the time I insecure about my stutter and don't want to talk about it , but recently I found this guy who had a same problem with me named Drew Lynch . So he is one of the finalist in American Got Talent (AGT) season 10 and make it to 2nd place. He is a comedian who has severe stutter . Mine is not bad as him but I still can relate with his problem.

I've lived with stutter since I was born and the only time I realized that I have stutter when I was 5 kinda *lol I forgot* So , living with stuttering is HARD . Before I going too far , I want to mention that my stuttering level isn't that bad but it still keep me low confidence and anxiety . I have a stutter that makes me hard to pronounce certain word . Either in Bahasa Malaysia or English . Yup , this problem really disturb me when I was in school since I had to make a presentation or read a passage out from textbook and things always didn't went well . But , my one and only solution for this problem is finding a word that has a same meaning but more easy to me pronounce it. I'm not even kidding guys , whenever I did presentation , I always have a book or paper with me and when its the time to say the "word" I will cover up my face because the struggling to pronounce the word will lead me to make a weird face expression until I can pronounce the word .

not exactly like this but kinda...*heh*

Second things I wanna share with you guys is my stutter will get worst when I talk loud or fast . Because of that I tend to talk in a slow volume and talk slowly but not everyone understand what I lived with so this shit always happened...

"weh , cakap ah kuat sikit , tak macam lelaki"

For the first time I kinda got pissed with these people that don't understand what actually going about myself but then I get used to it and just silent whenever someone said that . When I said talk slowly , I mean I will talk by pronounce the word sebutir-sebutir or if the stutter gonna happen I will put "aaa" or "ummm" between the word that I might stutter . Example..

"Kak ummm 5 ringgit no 6 eh "

That situation always happen when I go to gas station . Another way I covered my stutter is with saying that I forgot the things. I always do this because its worked every time I going to stutter and it looked more natural , hahaha . Let me give the example..

the word that I might stutter is : Kedai Muthu

eg : Alaa beli je dekat kedai *noticed I gonna stutter* ummm kedai yang sebelah farmasi tu , yang owner dia india tu...

Hahahaha , you got it? . maybe its seems a little hard to you guys get what I mean , but if you guys with me and having a conversation , you will see I do it a lot of times because of my stutter.

The next things that I hate is having a small talk . I appreciate that you want to have a small conversation with me but I just more prefer sit and silent until I reached to my destination if I was in a bus or taxi.Even when I went to like shopping mall or any places , then someone come up to me and want to ask something or just being nice to me , sorry I didn't mean to be rude or arrogant . It just I'm dealing with my problem . Because of that it lead to my social anxiety . I really get nervous when someone try to talk with me because I scared my stutter will attack me at that time . I wish I don't have stutter so I can chit chatting with everyone without any hesitate . When I pickup a call , the same thing would happen . My anxiety + stuttering will hold me up and made me hesitate to pickup the call .

camni ha dia punya nervous 

Now lets talk about my emotion facing this god gift to me . Like I mention before , I got insecure about my stuttering . I just scared if people judge about how I talk . To make the situation even worst , some people always mock me when I stutter . Its just HURT that no one understand . People tend to mocking me while I trying to act cool even though my heart already shattered into pieces. But , since I knew Drew Lynch *actually I got knew him today* he changed my perspective about my little problem because he do a stand up comedy even though he have a stutter . You guys should check his videos at his channel , click here .

Most of the part that I quite disappointed were about our society that doesn't have awareness about stutter . The only things that they do is mocking us or just laughing at us . I never meet anyone that has a same problem with me but I loved to . Sometimes I imagined how would I response if I in the live tv interview or talking to my crush , did I will stutter or I will stay quiet awkwardly? haha no one know. I really hope for those who read this entry and have a friend that stutter , please and please respect him/her . Don't mock them or talk about stutter with them publicly and lastly if you guys want to introduce your stutter friends , just talk like this..

"Weh ni kawan aku , dia stutter so yeah be nice to him/her"

Tak payah guna gagap , macam tak cool . hehehehe. See you guys in the next entry . InshaALLAH.

Assalamualaikum n bye peeps!

*sorry if my English is bad , I still practicing it*